JD Vance Pivots From Couch Lover to Dolphin Porn Enthusiast

July 27, 2024

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JD Vance Pivots From Couch Lover to Dolphin Porn Enthusiast

So far, J.D. Vance is having one of the roughest Vice President launches of all time. Less than a week after Trump picked him as his running mate, the internet exploded with rumors that Vance likes to fuck couches. Now, after the initial novelty of this accusation has worn off, people have moved on to another unfortunate insinuation: Vance likes to watch dolphin porn.

The rumor started because of a RawStory article involving a tweet Vance posted in February, it was headlined “J.D. Vance ridiculed for accidentally revealing explicit dolphin-based search history.” For whatever reason, Vance had shared a screenshot of a video that purported to show a woman having sex with a dolphin: “Maybe the internet was a mistake,” the Ohio Senator said. Web users were quick to claim that Vance had intentionally searched for the video, due to the words “dolphin” and “woman” being highlighted. It’s not clear whether Vance did, indeed, search for dolphin porn, though it is true that if you enter keywords in X’s search box, results will come back with those words highlighted.

Since social media users are like piranhas who rabidly search for their next celeb-puncturing joke, the news cycle has swiftly pivoted from Vance’s supposed love of upholstery to his supposed love of watching women bang dolphins.

As was the case with the couch-fucking rumor, the dolphin-related Vance memes have swarmed the web with wild abandon:

https://t.co/ZTGDPSUK3P pic.twitter.com/3lwuevpjDK
— ImSkyKid (@ImSkyKid) July 26, 2024

oh no pic.twitter.com/oD6ojz5rzE
— MeidasTouch (@MeidasTouch) July 26, 2024

Even before he started getting accused of being sexually aroused by furniture and bestiality, Vance was struggling to overcome the mimetic nature of the internet. A viral clip that was circulated last week showed Vance awkwardly rambling about Mountain Dew at a campaign rally in Ohio. “I had a Diet Mountain Dew yesterday, and one today, I’m sure they’re [Democrats] gonna call that racist too but — it’s good,” Vance said, enigmatically. This non-sequitur led to a lot of confused silence from the audience, and the video was swiftly used to insinuate that Vance was a loser with no political charisma.

This guy has zero charm and charisma. Picking JD Vance was a massive gift for Democrats. pic.twitter.com/m1uiYe3e0v
— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) July 26, 2024

Of course, Vance is in good company. Every political candidate with any real proximity to the presidential race has been properly roughed up by trolls. Kamala Harris had the coconut tree and what can be, unburdened by what has been. Biden has the rumor that he’s actually dead. Trump has…well, Trump has a lot of stuff. To be a politician in this day and age is to be ritualistically hazed by the internet. The lucky, like Trump, skate through unscathed and even manage to spin their most ridiculous, viral moments into campaign gold. (In Kamala’s case, the coconut meme has turned from embarrassing to something her supporters embrace.) The unfortunate (potentially Vance?), just turn into national jokes. It remains to be seen whether Vance can pull himself out of his current reputational nosedive, or whether he’ll just graduate to some new wacky perversion next week.